Wednesday, June 30, 2010

A Big Announcement

But probably not the announcement you're expecting.

Several months ago, Michael had a goofy dream that he told me about the next day. In the dream, he came over to my house and I had a live duck I was trying to kill. He tried killing it, but couldn't. I asked him what he thought the dream meant and he didn't know. But to me, a quasi-trained Freudian analysist, the meaning was obvious: the duck represented Michael's fear of commitment. I couldn't kill it, he had to kill it himself and he was trying to, but was having a hard time. Since that time, we have joked with each other about his need to kill a duck.

Those who have been following our relationship closely know about Michael's fear of commitment. Of the almost eight months we've been together, we've spent a total of about a month taking "time off" and not communicating so he'd have time to "think about what he wanted." These "times off" frequently resulted in me deciding to break up with him, but every time he would realize he didn't want to lose me, convince me to stick around and he would treat me totally awesome until I became secure in the relationship again and then he'd decide to back out again. We've been through at least three cycle of that.


Our most recent "week off" happened after we had set a wedding date that we were tentatively working towards and we were both happily counting down together. Michael had ordered my engagement ring and I was doing a little wedding planning while waiting for him to pop the question. His request for a week off was fairly (but not entirely) unexpected, but after a prayer and with a lot of help from my Heavenly Father, it became a great blessing to me because I learned to really cherish myself and came to really understand for the first time about each person's divine nature and individual worth (you might remember this post and this post where I reported without telling what was actually going on). You might remember that Michael showed up at my house after the week off with two bouquets of flowers, but I didn't tell you the best, most sweetest part-- after giving me the flowers he said he had something else for me. He went into my kitchen, got out my chopping board and my biggest knife, then he produced a rubber duckie and cut its head off declaring, "The duck is dead!" and that he was ready to commit.

Since then things have been great. I have felt loved and secure and it has been really nice. We went to a play last Monday night and I felt like we were the most in love couple there. It was really nice.

But, sadly, it has come to my attention that the duck is NOT dead, that Michael still doesn't know what he wants, and is very hesitant to give up his bachelor freedoms. I know that he loves me because he tells me all the time and his actions show that he does. And I know that it's not his intention to jerk me around, yet that's what's happening.

And so I decided, as a woman who cherishes myself and who has recently been promised by God that I will have everything I want in a relationship, that I don't want to be with Michael anymore. I want to be with a man who KNOWS that he wants to be with me and who can't imagine being without me, not just a guy who realizes categorically that I'm quite a catch and so is trying to convince himself that he should marry me even though he doesn't really want to. I know he loves me and that he wants to be with me to an extent, but not enough. I'm tired of the trauma. I'm tired of crying because it hurts that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, but then feeling bad for crying because he treats me nice and says nice things to me and he's TRYING to want to marry me. I'm tired of feeling like as soon as I get comfortable and secure (again) he'll decide (again) that he's not sure. I'm tired of doing lots of little things to make Michael happy (because I love doing them), but then not being sure if he feels the same way about me. I'm tired of the underlying feeling that I've never been quite able to shake that I'm sort of an inconvenience to him. I deserve better.

And so, it's sad for both of us, but I'm calling it quits. I broke up with Michael about 15 minutes ago. Ironically, on the very day that six weeks ago we had been planning to get married.

My sister pointed out that there's a guy out there who is dying to marry me and will want desperately to marry me as soon as he knows me. I know that that is true and I'm excited to for that person to find me.

I don't regret anything about Michael. I don't regret giving him my heart and loving him. It has been really wonderful being loved by him. It has been all-in-all a great experience and one I plan to look back on with gratitude and happiness. But, it's time to move on. It's sad, but I know things will work out for the best and I will be very happy with how it all ends up. I hope very much that the same happens for Michael because he deserves it too.



I love this song and I think it sums up how I feel just about perfectly. Just change the words in the last verse from "David" to "Michael." The whole song is really good and has been a theme song of mine for a few years, but you can just listen to the last verse and get the basic idea of the current situation.



PS I wrote this post on Monday when I decided to end the relationship (Michael was out of town until this afternoon which is why it just now happened). And this post is a reflection of how I saw things then. But now that he and I have talked it out and ended things rather nicely, I feel very calm and assured that this is the right thing (although I reserve the right to weep and wail and cry later, should I feel inclined to do so). Right now, I really feel that more than Michael's fear of commitment, the relationship ended because it wasn't quite right. And that is a very peaceful feeling to me, at least right in this moment.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Reflections on the Constitution

Like many Americans, recently I have been thinking a lot about The Constitution. I understand it way better now and have learned some things that have been very enlightening to me, and I want to share them with someone. Thank you for listening. (I will throw in some pictures to keep your attention.)

I've always believed that The Constitution was inspired by God, but until I started my current job I didn't actually know very much about it aside from the rights spelled out in the Bill of Rights. Now that I understand more of the philosophy in it, I see more clearly just how unique and wonderful of a document it is. Because, really, these days just about everyone in the first world has freedom of speech and religion, so there has got to be something more to it.

Our Founding Fathers understood clearly that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men that as soon as they get a little authority they will begin to exercise unrighteous dominion. They had seen the effects of a strong central government and how it took away the individual rights of the people. Not just the right to speak and worship and assemble, but to govern themselves and to be able to use their property they way they wanted.

They also understood that rights do not come from the government, they come from God. There is no actual right that the government can GIVE us. The government does not give us permission to say what we want, go where we want, print and read what we want, what to do with our money, etc. The government is simple suppose to allow these rights. Which leads to my main point here, which is the single largest threat to any of our rights, freedoms and liberties IS government. What other organization would even think to tell us we can't say something, assemble somewhere, worship the way we want or spend our money the way we want? And I think this is something that we as Americans have lost sight of.

With this in mind, our Founding Fathers designed a outline for a government (The Constitution) whose very purpose was to protect people FROM the government. The Constitution is largely a document of "thou shalt not's." The government SHALL NOT INFRINGE on the rights of the people to keep and bear arms. The government SHALL MAKE NO LAW establishing a religion or PROHIBITING the exercise thereof. The government SHALL NOT VIOLATE a person's right to secure his property. All of these are just examples from the Bill of Rights (and if you study the Bill of Rights, every single one is telling the government what it cannot do). Most of The Constitution is a big "NO YOU CAN'T" to the Federal Government. As one small example: No Money shall be drawn from the Treasury, but in Consequence of Appropriations made by the Law (Article I, Section 9).

The Founding Fathers intended for the government to be small and thus leave individual rights and property alone as much as possible. And THAT has been the key to America's success. And therein, (in my opinion) is the REAL key to equality-- ALL men have equal access to their own lives and the fruit of their labor, without the government interfering. America was built on the idea of self-reliance and industry, but the current entitlement mentality has made us lose sight of our foundation.

Here's a rule of thumb my boss taught me for understanding the difference between a right and an entitlement. A right is something you do: I have the right to vote, to worship, to speak, to go on a walk, to have a job, to own a gun, to buy stuff, etc. A right is NOT something that someone else gives you, especially when you keep in mind that the government cannot give you anything without first taking it away from someone else (in other words, saying that they do not have a right to their own property). So, I do not have a right to: receive government money for buying a car or a house, universal healthcare, welfare, social security, money for researching wildlife, etc. (As an aside, any state that wants to can offer these benefits, but the federal government under the current way it is legally obligated to run has absolutely no business doing any of it.)

We, as a people, have lost sight of this idea and that's what has caused this massive government spending, unreasonable taxes (most people work 4 months a year just for Uncle Sam), huge federal debt (because four months a year obviously isn't enough so our grandchildren will need to pay for our living expenses) and thus the decline of individual liberty. It is all very discouraging.

But, there is hope! I firmly believe that there is not a problem wrong with the federal government today that cannot be cured by getting back to The Constitution.


WARNING: THE NEXT SECTION CONTAINS MY PERSONAL ENDORSEMENT OF A POLITICAL CANDIDATE. (Also, it only applies to my Utah readers.)

That is why I passionately and adamently support Mike Lee for Utah Senate.



I like Mike for the following reasons:


*He is a constitutional lawyer who has been concerned about state sovereignty and thus meticulously studying The Constitution since he was 10 years old. This is not a passing fling for him.
*He has dedicated his career to getting government out of his law client's businesses
*He has sworn that he will not vote for any bill that is not in harmony with The Constitution and I believe and trust that he will actually do it.
*He finds solutions for real-life problems (ie the fact that the Feds own 60% of the land in Utah) using The Consitution.
*I've heard him speak several times and am always impressed with his straight-forward and practical answers to complex issues.


Further, I think that Mike's suitability for the job can also be highlighted by the pathetic attempts others have used to discredit him: that he's a Washington lawyer (yes, he was the law clerk for Judge Alito who is the most conversative, constitutionally-based judge in the Supreme Court), that he makes $600,000 and hasn't paid off his student loans (because he has a lower rater on them then his mortgage and there are tax advantages to keeping them), and that he waves The Constitution around and quotes from it too much when speaking (the same way a preacher might wave around the Bible, in my opinion). If this is the worst you can throw at a candidate, I think it reflects well on said candidate.


Mike wants to run a clean campaign, so I am not suppose to throw any mud at his opponent. So, in my official role as a Mike Lee volunteer, I will simply say that Tim Bridgewater is a very nice man, but I like Mike better. However, as a blogger, I will share with you a website that I find very interesting entitled "Stop Bridgewater." People like Bridgewater because he is a self-made man who has been very successful in business. However, as the website points out, the majority of his business practices have involved receiving and using earmarks and other government funds. He is now claiming to be a advocate of small government after earning his fortune at the tax payer's expense.

I like Mike because he is just what we need right now-- a solid conservative who understands the proper role of government and will work tirelessly to get us back to the vision our forefathers had for this country. A man who would look at a bill like the now-infamous "No Child Left Behind Act" and recognize right away that it would be a dismal failure, and thus refuse to vote for it. (Unlike some people who would push it through, form a business profiting from it, and then denounce it as soon as it became unpopular. I'm looking at you, Tim Bridgewater.)

When I hear Mike speak, I feel hopeful about the future of our great country. Not a false hope based on promises of receiving more from the government, but a real hope that with hard work and dedication we can get back to what we used to be and what God and our forefathers intended us to be-- a republic dedicated to protecting individual rights. A place where people stand accountable for their own decisions, take care of themselves, and choose to help others. That is the America I love and the America I know Mike will help preserve.

So, please Utah friends, please go vote on June 22nd (next Tuesday). This election could come down to a few hundred votes and every person counts! Like Gandhi said, I know great things can happen if we will BE the change we're looking for in the world.

Also, as Levar Burton says, "You don't have to take my word for it." Study the candidates yourself. Be an informed voter.

Thank you for letting me share.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

One week down, the rest of my life to go

This last week of self-cherishing has been so incredibly awesome. Life-changing really. I know I tend to throw that expression around willy nilly, but this time I really mean it.

It all started simple enough-- getting a massage (I'm glad to say the world did not end when I "wasted" the money on that), spending a day riding roller coasters and buying any of the amusement park food I wanted (fun!), doing some shopping. But then one morning, seemingly out of nowhere, I had one of those break-through, now-I-get-it moments. I realized-- really realized-- for the first time ever that I am precious through and through based 100% only on the fact that God made me. The cynic might argue, but God made everyone. I respond: I know! Isn't it AMAZING?!! I always believed that, but know I really get it. And realizing something like that changes you on a certain level.

It was a great week. And I intend to carry on with my self-cherishing ways. It is an awesome feeling.

To celebrate my week, last night Michael brought me not one, but TWO bouquets of flowers.

And instead of feeling guilty that he was wasting his money on me, I just felt very happy.

A girl could get used to this.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

A Breakthrough, with goals

(Please note: this post is a bit more personal than I usually publish, but I'm putting it here as a form of accountability to make sure I follow-up with my lofty goals.)


Last night, I had a really good thinking/praying session and I realized something so, so clearly: I am going to get everything I want. I absolutely am. Then an additional realization/revelation was added to complement the first: in order for that to happen, I need to change my heart. Specifically, do a better job cherishing myself.

I am happy to be able to say that I like myself and that I love myself. But cherishing is another matter-- to hold dear, treat with care and affection. It makes sense that no one else can really, truly cherish me until I cherish myself and as a natural result, expect that from others.

At first I was a bit intimidated by this assignment, but now I'm super excited. I have a gameplan:

First, I need to get better at spending money on myself. I am very thifty, and I like that about myself (especially when I peridically decide to quit my job and be unemployed for a few months and have the financial wherewithall to do so). And it is true that I don't make nearly as much money as I did in New York and my expenses here are the same or more. BUT there is no reason I should have this guilt associated with spending money on myself. So I am choosing to have a better, more-freely-giving-to-myself attitude about money.

Luckily, I just got my favorite necklace (my only nice one) fixed, so I can wear it every day. I bought it for myself for Christmas when I realized that Michael was not going to get it for me. It reminds me that I am worth taking care of and spending money on, and that doing so even makes me happy. I love this necklace. It is pretty, and it reminds me that I CAN have pretty things, and that I need to take care of me and not wait for a man to do it (although I do look forward to a time when a man will take care of me).

Buying it for myself just because I wanted it was a major breakthrough for me. But there's plenty more where that came from. I'm going to do the things I've always wanted to do but was afraid to spend the money on, like getting a season ticket to the local amusement park. I'm going to buy myself some nice make-up (even though none of my friends here can get me hefty discounts). I MIGHT even go so far as getting myself a manicure and a pedicure. I love them but in the past have only gotten them when it was socially unavoidable because I couldn't justify spending the money. But I'm worth it! This is all very liberating.


The second part of my gameplan involves mantra while I'm driving in my car. I will spare you the details, but they are very empowering. And I've had very good luck with mantras in the past.


Third, I am going to be more mindful of letting people help me and love me. For some reason I'm always surprised when someone is willing to do something nice for me, and that's just silly. I am thankful and happy to receive help and attention, and need to realize and accept that people love me and want to do things for me and it is a joy (not an inconvenience) for them. I have taken self-reliance to point that is ridiculous--even feeling guilty for things like getting a card from my mom ("she has better things to do") or accepting help from a sister ("I hate to waste her time"). I am chosing to let go of this harmful and untrue beliefs. This goal could be a little harder, and I'm still intimidated by it, but I am CHOSING to let go and make new habits and patterns for myself. I am worth it. Receiving, after all, is the soul of femininity.


So, that is what I"m working on right now. Thank you for your love and support.