Another overly personal post

A few days ago, I took the last post down because I felt it put too much blame for the break-up on Michael. Then I put it back up, but with plans to put a new post with my new understanding of what went wrong and an update of how I'm feeling. However, up until two days ago I was not able to think or feel anything consistently enough to document on a blog post.


I will say this: last week at church I shared my testimony using the words from my favorite hymn: "The Lord is my light, though clouds may arise faith stronger than sight looks up to the skies where Jesus for ever in glory doth reign, then how can I ever in darkness remain?" That's how I feel. I am sad, but I don't feel like I'm in any darkness. I know God is guiding me and that I'm in a good place, even though it's a sad place, and that eventually everything will work out for my best. I know that. And I'm very thankful to know that because I have been SAD.


It took me a while to hone in on sad because it just doesn't come naturally to me these days. I would get sad for a little bit, but not be able to stick with it because I've felt so blessed and lucky in so many other ways. I'm surrounded by so many people who love me and want to help me. I live in such a beautiful place. Everything else in my life is going so well. Michael didn't mean to hurt me and never lied to me or abused me in any way. I knew that God was guiding me and I was in the right place. And I knew everything would work out perfectly in the end. So, even though people would tell me I should go ahead and mourn, and even though I knew that it was fine to be sad, I just couldn't quite be sad for long periods of time.


Well, that was then and this is now. All of the above are still true. I still feel very blessed. I still know God is in charge and has a big plan that will ultimately be for my good. But I am sad and, dare I say it, my heart is broken. Now I understand what people are talking about. Breaking up is awful, even if it's all for the best. I'm learning to be more sympathetic to people whose heart hurts. And I'm learning that being sad is not the same thing as not having faith. I've learned that when I cry hard enough my cheeks start to tingle. Also, I've learned that when dealing with a break-up, buying sexy lingerie makes me feel better.


I've also learned to be humble and accept love and help. I've seen more clearly how really wonderful and kind humans can be. I'm thankful for so many people. My sweet aunt and uncle who went through everyone's family reunion registration folder and scratched out Michael's name. My cousin who texts me every day to see how I'm doing. The girl (I don't even know her name) who saw me crying right after Relief Society and went to the bathroom and brought me some toilet paper. I'm thankful for the nice emails I've gotten from Michael's friends and family. I have a friend who mailed me a special gift to show her "cherishes me" and I wear it every day to remember that I am very loved. A different friend has volunteered an hour massage. My sisters and mother have been so wonderful. I appreciate my co-worker who is going to help me bring my new mattress home. People are really, really beautiful, and it is wonderful to be on the receiving end of so much love.


So, that's where I am now: sad, but optimistic. Wondering if Michael will come back, but emotionally letting him go. Broken-hearted, but relying on the Lord and trusting Him. I am thankful that I have felt Him so close to me throughout.


And lest you think I spend all my time sitting around moping, let me add here that I am redecorating my house (more on that later) and I've started dating online again. I've been emailing some really great guys and am feeling happy about that. I know that normally after a break-up, women tend to change their hair in some way, but I really like my hair, so I'm trying to think of other things I can change.


I often wonder how people deal with heartache when they DON'T know that God is watching them and has a plan. Or when the Spirit isn't confirming to them that they're in the right place. Or who aren't surrounded by people who love and support them. Or if they have really been abused or abandoned by someone they love. That would be really horrible. I wonder how they deal with it? As my wise mother told me yesterday, "May you never find out."

So, that's where I am now. Sad, but doing fine. I definitely feel like I understand the human experience better now. I'm excited to see what God has in store for me. I know that (eventually) everything is going to work out just great. I'm glad I know God is mindful of me and helping me create a really wonderful life. I'm glad to be in a covenant relationship with Him.