Last night, I had a really good thinking/praying session and I realized something so, so clearly: I am going to get everything I want. I absolutely am. Then an additional realization/revelation was added to complement the first: in order for that to happen, I need to change my heart. Specifically, do a better job cherishing myself.
I am happy to be able to say that I like myself and that I love myself. But cherishing is another matter-- to hold dear, treat with care and affection. It makes sense that no one else can really, truly cherish me until I cherish myself and as a natural result, expect that from others.
At first I was a bit intimidated by this assignment, but now I'm super excited. I have a gameplan:
First, I need to get better at spending money on myself. I am very thifty, and I like that about myself (especially when I peridically decide to quit my job and be unemployed for a few months and have the financial wherewithall to do so). And it is true that I don't make nearly as much money as I did in New York and my expenses here are the same or more. BUT there is no reason I should have this guilt associated with spending money on myself. So I am choosing to have a better, more-freely-giving-to-myself attitude about money.
Luckily, I just got my favorite necklace (my only nice one) fixed, so I can wear it every day. I bought it for myself for Christmas when I realized that Michael was not going to get it for me. It reminds me that I am worth taking care of and spending money on, and that doing so even makes me happy. I love this necklace. It is pretty, and it reminds me that I CAN have pretty things, and that I need to take care of me and not wait for a man to do it (although I do look forward to a time when a man will take care of me).
Buying it for myself just because I wanted it was a major breakthrough for me. But there's plenty more where that came from. I'm going to do the things I've always wanted to do but was afraid to spend the money on, like getting a season ticket to the local amusement park. I'm going to buy myself some nice make-up (even though none of my friends here can get me hefty discounts). I MIGHT even go so far as getting myself a manicure and a pedicure. I love them but in the past have only gotten them when it was socially unavoidable because I couldn't justify spending the money. But I'm worth it! This is all very liberating.
The second part of my gameplan involves mantra while I'm driving in my car. I will spare you the details, but they are very empowering. And I've had very good luck with mantras in the past.
Third, I am going to be more mindful of letting people help me and love me. For some reason I'm always surprised when someone is willing to do something nice for me, and that's just silly. I am thankful and happy to receive help and attention, and need to realize and accept that people love me and want to do things for me and it is a joy (not an inconvenience) for them. I have taken self-reliance to point that is ridiculous--even feeling guilty for things like getting a card from my mom ("she has better things to do") or accepting help from a sister ("I hate to waste her time"). I am chosing to let go of this harmful and untrue beliefs. This goal could be a little harder, and I'm still intimidated by it, but I am CHOSING to let go and make new habits and patterns for myself. I am worth it. Receiving, after all, is the soul of femininity.
So, that is what I"m working on right now. Thank you for your love and support.
6 comments:
Sounds like good goals. Yes, buy pretty things now, you totally deserve it!
That was a fantastic post. It's nice that you have decided that it's okay to "chose me". Now, if you need help spending money on yourself, I am great at it!!!
You are AMAZING and you do deserve to have everything you want! What a great goal.
i love you Holly! cant wait to live in the same state as you again.
Thanks for reminding me that it's okay to spend money on myself. I wrestle often with doing so. :) Thanks, too, for your vulnerability and honesty; it's refreshing!
And now let ME shower you. You are one of the most intelligent people I know. You are absolutely delightful and BRIGHTEN my life and any day that includes you in it. I consider it a PRIVILEGE to know you and call you friend. I wish I could be with you every day because I know you would bring me joy only you could. I am absolutely serious about these things I am saying, and becuase of your new goals you are obligated to BELIEVE them for me, instead of just brushing them and me off. And for that I will say them to you now. Get them in your soul girlfriend! They're true! I love you.
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