I think Jane Eyre said it best

Subtitle: Apparently some people haven't heard yet.

I am typically a very at-peace person. Whenever I feel a little disturbance in my internal serenity, I know that something is wrong. I consult with Heavenly Father and we typically figure it out in short-order, I do something about it, and then I feel better. It's a quick and simple process that I very much appreciate.

So you can imagine my surprise when several months ago I had a week-long bout of anxiety that I could not figure out. After several days of dealing with this and no answers as to why, I was sitting in the temple one morning after my shift and the prompting came to me: "Maybe it's time to start thinking about leaving New York." I didn't like that idea so I brushed it off. I had no intention of moving, but just for fun I started thinking of where I would go if I did leave. I thought it over for a while because it is fun and liberating to realize that I could live ANYWHERE IN THE WHOLE WORLD that I wanted. And even with all the exciting possibilities, it didn't take me long to realize that if I were to live anywhere other than Manhattan (which I had no intention of doing), I would live in Salt Lake City. I know, it's boring, but I would be closer to two of my sisters, my three nieces, and all sorts of friends from various stages of my life. Because, really, I could move to Scotland or West Africa or Shanghai or Nebraska, but what's the point if I'm not surrounded by people I love? But I could not bear the idea of leaving New York. It's like Mr. Rochester said: "it is as if I had a string somewhere under my rib, tightly knotted to a similar string in your frame, and if that distance came between us that cord will be snapped and then I should take to bleeding inwardly."

The next morning I woke up and was feeling more emotionally uneasy than ever. I decided to call my home teacher Bryan and ask for a blessing. The blessing was very lovely and didn't tell me what to do, but did say things like "you will be able to maintain the friendships that you established in New York" and "your work will be understanding about your decision." I realized that God was, obviously, leaving the decision up to me but that He thought it was time for me to move on.

I spent most of the next day (Saturday, fortunately) in bed mourning. Several lines from Jane Eyre kept going through my mind. Most notably "I see the necessity of leaving you, and it's like looking upon the necessity of death." Extreme, I know, but I could definitely see where she was coming from.

Eventually this clarifying point came to me: I really really really love New York. And New York has been SO good to me. But, fundamentally, New York is an inanimate object that is incapable of loving me back. And in the choice between a place I love and people I love, I will choose to be near the people.

After that insight, I did feel better about the idea of moving, although still sad. That was the end of April, so I've had awhile to get use to it. (Although I did not make public my decision until June.) My sadness to excitement ratio has been steadily moving towards "excitement" during that time. I will be living with two of my favorite friends (and two random but supposedly very agreeable girls) in a totally awesome house. And, at points, it has seemed to me that New York City no longer sings joy to my heart the way it used to. I'm ready for a new adventure. I'm going to learn to ski (snow AND water), take up tennis, spend more time hiking and camping, have a garden (!!!!), and just generally do an all-around better job of grabbing life by the horns.

It is interesting that three years ago when I was trying to decide where to move, I had my options narrowed down to New York City or Utah but realized that moving to Utah would be the "safe option" and I did not want to make a decision just because it was safe, so I decided (thank goodness!) to take the risk and move to Manhattan. As I made the decision this time, it occurred to me that the tables have turned and now the decision to stay in New York was "safe" and the decision to move to Utah was risky and adventurous. Life is funny sometimes.

As I get closer to my departure date (only three weeks!!!) I'm getting sad again. I am so so so thankful that I got to spend three years here. I've wanted to live in Manhattan since I was around 13, but I never thought I actually would. I have loved my time here so unbelievably much. I have learned and grown and changed in ways I wouldn't have imagined. BUT I know that Heavenly Father is leading me to something even better. And He and I together will create a great life for me wherever we go.