I Feel Like That Girl on That TV Show

Subtitle: The First Day of the Rest of My Life
Optional subtitle: The Last of the Overly Personal Posts (Seriously, you will know all my business, why am I am publishing this? It's journal material. Is this an unhealthy form of wanting my life to be exposed, not unlike reality TV show participants?)

When I broke up with Michael, I knew for sure that it was the right thing to do. But I hoped he would learn his lesson and maybe we would get back together. In the last six weeks, I have seen God move in my life and I have learned that I was the one who needed to learn some things. I love how God teaches us line upon line what we're able to receive in order to get us to where we need to be.

The first thing God taught me: "You really put your life on hold while you were with Michael and that wasn't right." I realized He was right (no surprise there). I had made the conscious decision not to make any new friends until I was married. (That was really dumb! What was I thinking?) I was not focusing on improving my career. I hadn't even entirely settled into my house-- I hadn't bought a bed ("we'll use Michael's after we're married), I hadn't hung any of my pictures ("when Michael moves in all that wall space will become bookshelves"). So, I bought a bed and arranged my house just the way I wanted it. I started going to ward and other activities and making friends. I decided on some career goals. I was starting to feel more like myself, and the God taught me my next lesson:

"You really made Michael the center of your life. That wasn't right. He hadn't asked you to do that or expected you too and it threw off your sense of self." Ouch. That one hurt. I had accidentally done that. And I immediately thought of the famous quote my boss and I had been discussing just two days before from "Atlas Shrugged" (the book, ironically, that originally brought Michael and I together): "I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another or ask another to live for me." (A seeming contradiction to the basic tenants of Christianity? I strongly disagree, but that is topic for another day.) So, I started putting myself at the center of my life. I thought about things that brought me joy and started putting more of them in my life. I spent more time thinking about what my motivations were and living with more intention. And I started feeling even more like myself.

Then God told me I needed to stop wondering if Michael and I were going to get back together, and start thinking about what I wanted my next relationship to be like. Since I am a huge believer in the power of intentions, I was surprised to realize that I hadn't already been doing that. And thinking about what I want is one of my favorite things, so that was a fun activity. And as I remembered promises God has made me in the past and things that are important to me, I got a better understanding of what my ideal relationship looks like and that made me excited and happy and made it possible for me to follow my next direction from God:

"It's okay. Let him go."

I had been working on doing that for three weeks at that point, but when I was actually looking over the ledge with the intention of jumping, it was scary. But I knew it would be okay and so I did it. I just let go, emotionally. It was liberating, but a very interesting thing happened immediately thereafter: once I didn't feel a need to be loved and accepted and admired by him I began to realize how good and strong our relationship had been, how much he had loved me, and how my insecurities had largely been produced by myself. That was surprising to me.

Shortly thereafter my sister hosted an intervention which pretty much consisted of this: "You were cuckoo when you were dating Michael. Completely unlike yourself. Clingy and desperate. A totally different person." (Apparently she had been telling me this for months, but I hadn't ever registered it before.) As we talked about it more, I realized that she was right. As we discussed it more, I realized that being "crazy" in the relationship was a decision that I had subconsciously made and therefore, I could decide to be calm regarding this and any future relationship.

And THAT was the big lesson that God needed me to learn. It was a soul-shaking, paradigm-shifting event. And after that I was just CALM. I have always considered myself a very peaceful person, but I've learned that (for me at least) peace and calm are two very different things. Peace is feeling that all is right with the world, that God is in His heaven and things will work out and everything is okay. I've got lots of that. "Calm," I think, is more of "be still and know that I am God." Just kind of emotional stillness. It turns out, I have been missing that almost entirely. Probably for most of my life. But then, I made a decision to be calm and it was pretty neat. Very different. But good.

After about a week of calmness, I started wanting to tell Michael about "the new me." I was sure that now that I was calm, collected, and happily living my own fabulous life, our relationship would be totally better and we should get back together, at least to give it a go and see how it worked.

You can imagine my surprise when Michael said he didn't want to get back together. What?! On one hand, I was proud of his decisiveness, but then I wondered if he'd forgotten how totally wonderful I am, how much he loves and adores me, and what a great fit we are. We had a nice, open and honest discussion (one of the many good aspects of our relationship). It pretty much ended like this:
Michael: Why would you want to get back together? You were miserable the whole time we were together.
Me: I wasn't that miserable and I was creating the misery myself, not getting it from you. But I'm over that now. Our relationship will be different now. (me thinking: this has been the whole point of this conversation-- why aren't you listening to me? You've always been so good at listening to me.)

Then I stopped and thought for a microsecond and looked at him. And I realized: he had totally gotten over me. Well, this was an unexpected development that I had certainly not seen coming. But as soon as I realized it, I knew it was over, and I felt immediately that that was right and everything was okay. It was pretty much the exactly the same way I felt that morning in New York City when I realized my car was missing-- and we all remember how unexpectedly perfect that turned out. (if you do go to the link, be sure to read the part starting "driving home, I had this realization" because that's the main idea).

So we talked a little while longer and agreed that we had had a good run and felt very grateful to have known and loved each other (at least I did). I felt peaceful and thought it was a congenial, happy conversation. In reflecting on the exchange, I realize that it was probably super rude to say (even jokingly and with love) that I thought his wife would probably be ugly. Oops! It's my first major breakup, I'm still figuring these things out.

So that is absolutely, positely the end of that. I am ready to move on with my life. I am pleased to announce that I don't even want to be with Michael anymore. And when I think of not being with him, I feel fine. This is the right thing. It's a good thing Michael was sensible enough to get over me fast because if I had my way and we'd gotten back together, we would have both wasted more time and ended up sadder at the end. Which is why I knew I could trust him to make the right decision. Because he is a great guy. A guy who makes sure his woman has what she needs. And who could tell if I was worried (even without exchanging words or seeing my face) and did his best to make me feel better. So I wish him all the best and I hope his wife is very lovely.

And I have learned so very important things about how to be in a relationship. Now I will (hopefully) not make those same mistakes when I do meet the love of my life. I'm confident I'll find lots of other mistakes to make, but I'm glad I had the chance to date and love Michael and learn and grow and figure stuff out before the real thing. A sort of nifty "dress rehearsal."

I remember that when Michael and I were first dating and totally twitterpatted, but I wasn't sure he was "the one," I would tell my friends that I didn't know if this was "it" but if it was just a precursor to finding the love of my life, when he did come it would be unbelievably incredible because the warm-up was amazing. And I still think that it true. Yes, good things are lining up for Holly Bluemlein.

This is not what I expected to happen, but I just have to say what is in my soul: All is well. All is well.