Work Will Be a Vacation

Today I arrived at a friend's house to drop off some stuff. She took a look at me and said, "You're sunburned!" I thought about this and realized two things: 1. that would explain why my neck has been hurting and 2. that gives some credibility to the vague feeling I've been having that I've done nothing for the past three days except walk in the hot, humid sun to various places entirely too far from a subway stop where I don't really want to be anyway.

Last Wednesday, with only 13 scheduled work days left before I leave for my new life, I realized that my firm doesn't pay for vacation and personal days that weren't used. Since my replacement was already fully trained, and since my hording tendencies provided me with 5 unused days, I decided to take this week off. My plan was to spend some quality bonding time with the city I love and have plenty of time to pack.

As Day 4 of my vacation is coming to a close, I can report that I have not done a fun thing yet. What have I been busy doing? That is a story for another day. But I will say this--for the first time in my life, the following has been happening to me 3-4 times a day: I"m going about my business (probably walking somewhere in the sun) when all the sudden I feel super hungry. I say to myself: "Why am I hungry?!! I JUST ate!!" Then I stop,thinking for a bit, do some counting on my fingers, and realize it's been 4-5 hours since I'd eaten anything. Then I'm annoyed by the fact that I have to do it. But, I very much want to avoid another episode of Wednesday's Full Blown Emotional Breakdown, so I eat. And nap when necessary. But mostly run from place to place trying to get things done and field phone calls and e-mails, which, by the way, I can check while I'm out and about because I finally took the leap and got myself an iPhone! It's only been 48 hours, but already I can't imagine my life without one. I will say nothing else because my words cannot do justice. But, for comparison's sake, I am now going to post a picture of the cell phone that I had been using before. Yes, that is tape holding it together. It has been there for about three months. It was time to move on. Which, as I type this I realize for the first time is very symbolic. My phone is moving on (and up) and I'm moving on and up. And, as much as I spent thinking about it before, it is even more wonderful than I'd hoped.

A little of this, a little of that

1. As I am working on de-junking my apartment I discover I have three decks of Uno and two of Phase Ten. I don't think I've played Uno the entire three years I've lived here. And why do I have three opened jars of jam? I'd like to think I'm a bit more organized with my food.

2. I cannot, for the life of me, get a countdown timer on my blog. This has been a source of much frustration for me. Everyone else makes it look so easy!

3. Sunday I went to church and taught Relief Society. Wearing two different shoes. I didn't notice until the closing hymn. Those who did notice during my lesson thought I was going to tie it in as an object lesson at the end. Good idea--I might try to work that in some other time.

4. I MIGHT have just done laundry for the last time in New York. Oh happy day.

5. This is my favorite thing someone asked me recently: "Other than generally following your bliss, what are your plans for Utah?"

6. I think I'm going to take all the light bulbs with me when I leave. They're the $3 kind that last for years and years and use like 1/10 of the energy. I bought them, so it's not petty to take them, right?

7. I stink at frisbee. Just fyi.
I could put 4 more pictures just like that one, but I will refrain.

8. My "regular" roommates have both moved out and I have two very lovely subletters until the end of the month. Funny stories: I made lentil soup and asked if they wanted some. They each replied, "What's a lentil?". They both are great at doing their dishes, but one of them washes her dishes and then puts them back in the sink. I think that is so funny (funny "ha ha" just to clarify). It amuses me how things are done differently in different families and you go out into the world thinking this is normal. (Said roommate just turned 16.)

9. Last night I saw West Side Story (it was great!) and afterward we wandered around looking some sort of dessert. My date recommended we sit in a small park to eat, but asked if I would get too cold. I decided I would be fine and then had this realization: It is July 23rd and we don't know if we can eat in the park because it might be too cold? What a weird summer.

10. Yesterday I discovered that my firm doesn't pay for unused vacation days, which means I get to take all of next week off!! Then one week of work and then off to my new life!

I think Jane Eyre said it best

Subtitle: Apparently some people haven't heard yet.

I am typically a very at-peace person. Whenever I feel a little disturbance in my internal serenity, I know that something is wrong. I consult with Heavenly Father and we typically figure it out in short-order, I do something about it, and then I feel better. It's a quick and simple process that I very much appreciate.

So you can imagine my surprise when several months ago I had a week-long bout of anxiety that I could not figure out. After several days of dealing with this and no answers as to why, I was sitting in the temple one morning after my shift and the prompting came to me: "Maybe it's time to start thinking about leaving New York." I didn't like that idea so I brushed it off. I had no intention of moving, but just for fun I started thinking of where I would go if I did leave. I thought it over for a while because it is fun and liberating to realize that I could live ANYWHERE IN THE WHOLE WORLD that I wanted. And even with all the exciting possibilities, it didn't take me long to realize that if I were to live anywhere other than Manhattan (which I had no intention of doing), I would live in Salt Lake City. I know, it's boring, but I would be closer to two of my sisters, my three nieces, and all sorts of friends from various stages of my life. Because, really, I could move to Scotland or West Africa or Shanghai or Nebraska, but what's the point if I'm not surrounded by people I love? But I could not bear the idea of leaving New York. It's like Mr. Rochester said: "it is as if I had a string somewhere under my rib, tightly knotted to a similar string in your frame, and if that distance came between us that cord will be snapped and then I should take to bleeding inwardly."

The next morning I woke up and was feeling more emotionally uneasy than ever. I decided to call my home teacher Bryan and ask for a blessing. The blessing was very lovely and didn't tell me what to do, but did say things like "you will be able to maintain the friendships that you established in New York" and "your work will be understanding about your decision." I realized that God was, obviously, leaving the decision up to me but that He thought it was time for me to move on.

I spent most of the next day (Saturday, fortunately) in bed mourning. Several lines from Jane Eyre kept going through my mind. Most notably "I see the necessity of leaving you, and it's like looking upon the necessity of death." Extreme, I know, but I could definitely see where she was coming from.

Eventually this clarifying point came to me: I really really really love New York. And New York has been SO good to me. But, fundamentally, New York is an inanimate object that is incapable of loving me back. And in the choice between a place I love and people I love, I will choose to be near the people.

After that insight, I did feel better about the idea of moving, although still sad. That was the end of April, so I've had awhile to get use to it. (Although I did not make public my decision until June.) My sadness to excitement ratio has been steadily moving towards "excitement" during that time. I will be living with two of my favorite friends (and two random but supposedly very agreeable girls) in a totally awesome house. And, at points, it has seemed to me that New York City no longer sings joy to my heart the way it used to. I'm ready for a new adventure. I'm going to learn to ski (snow AND water), take up tennis, spend more time hiking and camping, have a garden (!!!!), and just generally do an all-around better job of grabbing life by the horns.

It is interesting that three years ago when I was trying to decide where to move, I had my options narrowed down to New York City or Utah but realized that moving to Utah would be the "safe option" and I did not want to make a decision just because it was safe, so I decided (thank goodness!) to take the risk and move to Manhattan. As I made the decision this time, it occurred to me that the tables have turned and now the decision to stay in New York was "safe" and the decision to move to Utah was risky and adventurous. Life is funny sometimes.

As I get closer to my departure date (only three weeks!!!) I'm getting sad again. I am so so so thankful that I got to spend three years here. I've wanted to live in Manhattan since I was around 13, but I never thought I actually would. I have loved my time here so unbelievably much. I have learned and grown and changed in ways I wouldn't have imagined. BUT I know that Heavenly Father is leading me to something even better. And He and I together will create a great life for me wherever we go.

Everything Is Beautiful at the Ballet

I'm not sure as to the how, why, or when, but lately the idea has come to me that I am a big, big fan of the ballet and just never knew it. So, I decided to test my hypothesis with a trip to the America Ballet Theatre's Production of Prokofiev's Romeo and Juliet. It turns out (and I love when I can say this)I was right! I do love the ballet.



Why, oh why, could I have not discovered this earlier?

It turns out that every night of a ballet performance has different people dancing the leads (in ballet terms "principle"), so every show is a little different even though the choreography is the same. The fellow I stood next to for the first act (after that, I moved from my standing room ticket that I paid $26 for to the seats directly in front of me which sale for $103) had seen the performance three times! And it only ran for one week. (The week the ABT was doing Giselle, he saw every single show!) I could have done that. Oh well.

I love when I discover another one of the beautiful things about life. So many things to be thankful for!

Harry Potter 7, take 2

One of my favorite New York City memories is the subway after the midnight release of Harry Potter 7. It was around 1:30 or 2 when I went into the station and I loved that every single person there was reading it.



I myself was determined to read the entire thing before any spoilers were printed. To that end, I stayed up for about 20 hours straight and read the whole thing in pretty much one sitting.

At this point, I will explain that my addictive personality manifests itself in full force when it comes to books. You may be aware of how I can get obsessive even with bad literature, so you can imagine my over-reaction to good literature (seriously, don't even get me started on my love for Uncle Tom's Cabin). With this in mind, several years ago I have set for myself a "only one time through" rule for Harry Potter. I just get too, too, too excited.

That said, I was disappointed with Death Hallows. It just didn't move me the way I expected it to. Other people seemed to love it a lot, but it just didn't elicit a strong emotional response from me. Which surprised me, especially since everyone else I talked to about it said it was the best one yet. (as a side note, my favorite was probably #3-- I almost beat myself to death with the book because of the suspense at the end.)

Friday night, in preparation for the upcoming release of movie #6, I went to a Potter-themed party to watch #5. The next morning, I was trying to remember who had died at the end of book 7 and I couldn't remember so I got out my copy and started looking. I read one paragraph and was instantly sucked in. Despite my once-through rule, I found myself re-reading the last 150 pages. And it was really really really good. I kept thinking "this is the best book ever!! No wonder everyone loved it!!" I was touched, moved, distraught, uplifted, overwhelmed and inspired (sometimes simultaneously), and eventually--emotionally satisfied.

Let this be a lesson to me: I cannot emotionally appreciate a book when sleep-deprived. I will not make that mistake again!

PS Right after finishing this post, I found this on PostSecrets

The Car Report

Tuesday 16 June: I decide I want to buy a car and recruit Marcus, my go-to guy for all things involving wheels, to help.

Thursday 18 June: after a discouraging trip to a shady car dealership in Jersey, Marcus and I set an intention for exactly what we wanted: a 4-door Honda Civic with automatic transmission made between 1998 and 2003 with low miles and within my budget.

Friday 19 June: first thing in the morning, Marcus finds on-line the exact car we had outlined

Saturday 20 June: by 11am, I have the title of said perfect car in my hands.


Monday 22 June: I have managed to get myself insured and registered and put my license plate on my car so I can move it out of the church garage where I have had it some-what illegally parked since Saturday. My first attempt at driving my car (Marcus had done all the test driving), was to take Marcus back to his apartment. I manage to make him swear only one time. Then, after only 40 minutes of looking, I manage to get it parked on the street.

Tuesday 23 June: I drive a friend to the airport at 3 am. After 70 minutes of looking for parking and only 90 minutes of sleep, I pay to park in a garage

Wednesday 24 June: I have to work, but my car takes my roommate to the beach without me

Saturday 27 of June: Road trip to Philadelphia!! Upon arriving home around midnight, I find a lovely parking spot in just about 10 minutes and joyfully skip home.

Monday 29 June: A Day That Will Live in Infamy
10:30am--I go to check on my car before work and it's not there. I feel strangely calm and very clearly feel prompted that everything is going to be okay. I don't know (and still don't know) exactly what they means/meant, but I feel with my whole soul that it is true.
11:30--after checking 3 different places to make sure my car wasn't towed, a policeman tells me I need to call 911 and report it stolen.
12:00pm-- I get to fulfill a life goal of riding in the back of a squad car when the police take me to look for broken glass at the scene of the crime and then back to the station to fill out the paperwork
1:00 Exactly one week and three hours after leaving my State Farm Insurance office with my temporary card, telling the agent "Hopefully everything is fine with my car and I'll never see you again," I am back informing them of the robbery. I receive the happy surprise of my life upon being told that I do, in fact, have full coverage. I don't know how that happened, but I am so so so thankful.
2:30 pm I'm back at work telling the tale.

So, that's the story. I owned my first car for eight days. Now it's gone. Gone like a freight train. Gone like yesterday. Gone like a soldier in the Civil War.

I'm sad because it was such a good car. I'm sad because I had to cancel my trips to Boston and Ghettysburg. I'm sad because now I can't go on the road trip with my mom to South Dakota to visit her cousins.

But mostly I just feel at peace. For some reason I feel very protected and watched over by Heavenly Father. Usually I'm so tight with my money and I get so frustrated about wasting any. And normally I second guess myself about decisions. But in this circumstance, for some reason I just don't feel upset about either of those things. I don't know why things worked out this way after I feel like received the confirmation that buying a car here would be a good option, but I don't feel like I need to know. I just know that God is over all things and that He is watching over me. I know that everything is, and will be, fine. I'm thankful to know that God loves me and is taking care of me. I'm glad that my family is okay and I'm okay. As far as stinky life things that happen, this is a fairly minor one and I'm thankful for that.

Also, I want to sincerely thank those of you who already know about recent loss and who have been so kind and supportive to me. I really appreciate you. Your kind words and tokens have meant a lot to me.