Break Room Cleaning

Maybe I'm the only one who will think this is funny, but I get such a kick out of the emails my co-workers send on Fridays to announce that they're about the clean the break room, that I just had to share them. (keep reading, the last one is the best)

From the office fashionista:
Subject: Final Sale!! Everything must go!!
In approximately 30 minutes, Randy and I will be conducting a FINAL CLEARANCE on our Break Room! Get your goods, or they’ll be GONE!
Happy (Clean) New Year!

From the Finance Department:
Once again, the finance department will be conducting an audit of the Break Room at precisely 4:30 pm MST. Any items not properly labeled and dated will be disposed of or re-gifted to annoying neighbors.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.

From a politically like-minded individual:
We made a start on cleaning the house and senate. Now it’s time to move the Tea Party into the break room.
At 4 p.m., anything in the fridge that smells corrupt, or that lacks a valid conservative endorsement, will be retired to the scrapheap of history.

And this one is my favorite (hope you can speak conversational computer programming). From the IT Department:

FOREACH item IN refrigerator
IF ( item.label == false ) OR ( item.color == unsual ) OR ( item.odor < item =" garbage">

This must be in my mind today because I barely made it upstairs to save my oatmeal. When I add fruit jam to it, the results are very yummy, but I think we can all agree that to the unknowing eye, it definitely looks like something that should be thrown out. (mostly I just added this because I know posts with photos are more popular)

Happy Birthday to Me!

Last week, I turned 31. It wasn't entirely unexpected. Something like this usually happens to me around December 18th.

I'll start this story the day before my birthday which was Friday. I woke up with a strangely terrifying thought in my head: "What if someone at work tries to do something for my birthday?!!" I then wondered if I'd always been so stupidly and unrealistically concerned about people going out of their way for me, or if it was a new thing. I have decided yet, but since I recognized that it was stupid, I went on with my life.

I was pleased with the receptionist (AKA Amy-who-knows-all-my-business) brought me some potted herbs. It was super sweet that she remembered my life dream to have an indoor herb garden AND she almost froze to death hand-painting the pots for me.
Oh wait, the first thing that happened for my birthday was that my sister Heather and her husband came down on Monday night to help me install my dream closet. I rented a drill that went through cement like a hot knife through butter. It was pretty awesome. I don't mind telling you that I feel like Barbie when I look at my closet. Plus it was nice to see a married couple working together on a project like a well-oiled and perfectly synchronized machine.
On my actual birthday morning I woke up at 4:30 to take my roommate to the airport. I figured it was good karma, plus the airport is half way to Tooele which is where I was spending the day anyway. I safely navigated a snow storm and arrived at Tooele at 6 o'clock. I stopped by my favorite donut store (they hand-fill the donuts after you order them and have a dozen fillings to chose from yum!!) and made it to my sisters house and went back to sleep in their newly finished luxury guest accommodations. I was awakened about two hours later by a niece who wanted to play with my iPhone. It was a good way to start the day.

I played Mr. Potato Head. You would not believe the stuff those potato head people are coming up with these days. This one was my favorite. (please notice the peg leg, parrot on shoulder and hook hand).

Even with all the hullabaloo, I managed to get a nap before 1. I was awaken from this nap by a very excited four-year old, very anxious for me to put on my party hat. As you are probably aware, preschoolers get VERY excited when party hats are produced.

Then Heather and family arrived and the real celebrating began. Heather brought a chocolate Costco cake because, as she said, "to know Holly is to know her love of Costco cake." She also brought approximately 20 pounds of baked good left over from the Christmas cookie plates she made for the neighbors. There was no shortage of edible goods.

Ellie somehow got the idea that I needed to break through a ribbon (similar to the end of a race) for me to arrive at the party. The nieces put one up and guarded the dining room vigilantly so that I didn't run through the ceremonial ribbon early. The adults decided breaking through the ribbon was symbolic of me breaking through my year of various heartaches and entering into my best year yet. In this picture, you can also see my favorite new sweater that I bought at Target for $4.

After the eating and singing, the sisters and I decided to celebrate by going out on the town. We went and partook of everything Tooele has to offer-- Walmart, DI, and even the Dollar Tree. Although the idea of being out of the house sans 3 or 4-year olds was not as novel for me as for my sisters, it was still nice to be out with them. And at the Dollar Tree, following the age-old tradition of the Bluemlein family, they bought me gifts! A spray bottle (for removing wallpaper) and index cards (to use as recipe cards). Just what I wanted!

Upon returning home, I engaged in some tickle wrestling with two of the nieces.The third niece was on to me (and apparently doesn't enjoy tickling as much as the others), so she wouldn't come downstairs. But she did saddle up and come as the cavalry in an attempt to rescue the other two. The evening was spent mining for diamonds. Ann and Josh had bought a bag of dirt from a famous diamond mine when they were in Arkansas a few years ago and had been waiting for the right occasion to bring it out. We figured no time like a single lady's 31st birthday to hunt for diamonds.
That night I went to sleep and had a dream that Mel Gibson was madly in love with me and determined to marry me. Very interesting on many levels for a amateur Freudian analysts such as myself.

I arrived home and found my annual package from my friend Jamie (goodness, I haven't reported on her big fat Greek wedding yet. I need to do that.....) which included a brand new Ronald Reagan mug! So now I have a matching set, which is good because there have been arguments in the past over who gets the Ronald Reagan mug. It is much better to have two of such things.

My mom sent me money to put towards my dream closet (see above) or to spend on a CD player. Decisions decisions!

I got sick two days after my birthday, which is totally weird for me because I NEVER get sick. My sister Heather pointed out that it could be because I haven't been my usual self lately. And that could certainly be-- I am probably not being protected from illness by my usual cloud of joy, cheer, and endless optimism. My mom said it makes sense that I would get sick since I've such an emotional rollercoaster of a year, but that once I was feeling better I would probably be healed not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. Now that I'm on the other side of it, I believe she was absolutely right. The last few days, I have been feeling a profound and inexplicable sense of joy and calm. I've also been feeling very close to the Savior, which is wonderful. I know for sure that wonderful things are coming to me. This year and for the rest of my life. I know God will help me stay the course so that with His help, I can welcome every good thing into my life. I am excited to be alive and a disciple of Jesus Christ.

NOT overly personal

Well, since the break-up, a general sense of malaise has settled over my life. I know it's for the best and I'm confident (most of the time) that I made the right decision, but I'm just sad. It's probably especially potent because of the switch from floating on a happy cloud of love, straight to sad.

Anyways, I have been learning a lot and I think I've figured some good stuff out. I realize I'd subconsciously made the decision not to process any of my thoughts on my blog out of respect for Tyler. (I realize now that I was able to vent and process on my blog after Michael because by the time it was over I didn't have much respect for him anymore. Also because I knew he wasn't emotionally invested enough to care. The fink.)


So I'm trying to work on my house, but am having a hard time with it due to all the other demands on my time. I will tell you the updates on each room as I finish it. The bedroom is coming close! We've (meaning I've) run into a bit of a problem with the living room-- I've decided it needs to be refinished ("finished" would probably be a better word since there is currently no finishing on it as far as I can tell). So everything else has been postponed until that gets done. Well, not everything, but the living room for sure. And I've decided to give up on the kitchen until everythign else is done. However, I am doing the pantry-- wall at least the walls, but not the floor (even though they desperately need some attention).


So that's my life right now. Rather unexciting, mostly because I'm still in mourning and thus not creating much excitement for myself. But, I'm planning for future fun adventures and excitement to do once I'm feeling more like myself.


Oh wait! I have been having adventures: for example, I went to the Swedish Christmas Smorgasborg at Ikea. As I told a co-worker, "This is the thing I'm most excited about for this month. Christmas is this month-- I don't care. My birthday is this month-- I don't care. I am most excited about the Swedish Smorgasborg at Ikea." And it did not disappoint! Here's a pictures of little children on parade in their traditionally Swedish garb. St. Lucia even made an appearance and sang. Also, the food was really fun and extraordinarily plentiful. I totally felt Swedish.
Also, here's a picture of the sorting of my food storage going on as prep for the pantry re-model

And a pic of the beginning of the painting of my bedroom. (Why doesn't my new carpet have any protection on it?!!!). You can't tell from this picture, but I'm actually painting over some other blue paint that I didn't like.
So, as you can see, my house, like my life, is a work in process. And I'm beginning to think that my house, like my life, might not be finished until I'm dead =)

No Use Avoiding This Any Longer

Well, I might as well just say it: Tyler and I broke up.

It's quite tragic really. A lot of people have expressed surprise because just a week ago right here on my very own blog, I was going on and on about how wonderful he is. Well, all of the stuff I said about him is still true, so you can imagine how sad the break-up is. But we were just too different. We didn't have much in common, including whether or not it mattered that we don't have anything in common. Even more than that, I think we were just on different wave lengths. He is a phenomenol man, but (much to my chagrin) it just was not a good fit. I wanted it to be a good fit, and we could have made it work, but I think marriage is hard enough without starting it with such very different people (even if they love and respect each other very much). I like to sum it up with the classic phrase "You can't fit a round peg in a square hole." (someone told me that sounds dirty, but there's just no other platitude that says that it so succinctly.)

So I'm just trying to carry on with my life. I'm allowing myself some time to be sad about it. I mean, it is kind of crazy-- a month ago I really honestly truly and sincerely thought I would end up marrying him and moving to DC. So this is a very different place to be in mentally and emotionally.

I decided to throw myself into getting my house decorated. I've been in re-painting chaos for about a month and of course that throws off a person's groove. I've set the very lofty goal of having my bedroom, living room, kitchen, and pantry painted and organized before my birthday. That will keep me busy and give me something to think about. Hopefully I'll even be posting updates on the blog.

So, that is what has been taking up most of my emotional energy for the week. It has also sent me on philosophical quests, such as the one I posted here yesterday. I have been learning and experiencing a lot lately, so that is good. I think by next year, I probably will have figured out everything about life =)

You Gotta Want It

I have other more important, life-information posts that I need to write, but this is on my mind very strongly today, so I want to share these thoughts now.

This morning (not that I was surfing the internet at work), I came across a series entitled "Best Holiday Gift Freak Outs." I'd recommend it to anyone. This was my favorite (WARNING: there is swearing involved)



While I consider myself a more than unusually happy, joyful and enthusiastic person, the level of excitement shown in these video clips surpassed anything I can remember experiencing. But I think I would like it! Thinking about it made me realize: perhaps there is joy in really wanting something. Is there anything I want this much? What on earth could make me this excited? I mean, I'm not sure I'd have that sort of reaction when/if St. Peter lets me in the pearly gates.

I wonder if part of being this excited is getting something with no strings attached. For example, I'm sure that I will be super duper uber excited when I get married, but there's some nervousness involved too because marriage (as wonderful as it is) is scary and a big risk too. Would that stop me from being this excited?

I also think of the line from "Pride and Prejudice" where the sister says she wishes there were another such man so her sister could be as happy as she is. And Elizabeth replies that even if there were a hundred such men, she couldn't be as happy because "until I have your goodness, I can never have your happiness." It seems like the most of the really joyful things in life are spiritual in nature and it takes a good amount of spirituality to appreciate them. I know for sure that the Spirit does intensify feelings of joy, excitement, and gratitutude. (Not that this applies to the Play Station example above, but it's still an interesting thought.)

I also wonder-- is part of the joy and excitement of getting something you want the fact that it's unexpected? Maybe I don't get so excited about things because I usually just expect that things will work out for me so I'm not surprised when they do. But I like to think that I don't take things for granted when they do work out. And I think I'm still grateful and happy when they do.

Also, I think there's not really a lot of things that I want. I don't have anything on my birthday or Christmas list. After some pressure from my mom on this point, it did occur to me that I'd like a CD player. (That's right I do not own a CD player, or even a computer. I'm sort of backwards that way.)

But maybe I should say there aren't a lot of material things that I want because there are lots of other things I do want. I want to get my house looking all cute and organized. I want to go jogging before work every day. I want to put in the time, effort, and energy to look cute every day. I want the people around me to feel loved and valued. I want God's light to shine through me. I want to be a source for good in the world. I want to have adventures and experience new things. I want to be surrounded by things that are beautiful.

The interesting thing about all of the above is the only thing stopping me from having each of them is myself. It's my own laziness that prevents me from doing and having anything I want. So I think I want these things, but so often I short-sightedly think I want to sit in bed and do nothing more. I am the only thing preventing me from having them.

I wonder, is there something (material or not) that I want as much as that man wanted his Play Station? I hope so! I hope I want eternal life that much. I hope I want to build the Kingdom that much. I hope I want to have joy in my life that much. And if I want them that much, what is keeping me from them? I heard a speaker at church recently who said the only currency we have with God is our desires-- if we desire righteousness, if we desire to serve him, etc. There is nothing else we can really give him. And if our desires are strong enough we will act in such a way to get the things we desire. Are my desires strong enough to motivate me to go and get the things I want? Is that keeping me from having all the joy I could?

I wonder also, how much that man would have gone through to get himself a Play Station. Surely he could have gotten an extra job or budgeted his money in such a way that he could have gotten one for himself. Was he so excited because someone loved him enough to get it for him? Would it have meant more or less to him if he had worked for it and gotten it for himself? I have a hard time accepting things from other people-- maybe I am depriving myself of joy in that way?

Whatever the reason, I want to have more full-hearted excitement and gratitude like this man did. I will put myself on a personal quest to find my own personal play station 3 and to have that level of joy in my life.

It does occur to me thought, if I lost my iPhone and was without it for a few days, I would probably be this happy when I get it back. So there is hope that this sort of emotion could be elicted in me. =)

Why God Is My Favorite Person

Last night after work I spent (by actual count) five hours on the phone with four different people resolving issues with everything from selling used food to analyzing the new (completely horrible) FDA legislation that was just passed. While talking on the phone, I was also making two loaves of homemade wheat bread (to mail to my sweetie) and three dozen chocolate chocolate chip cookies for a co-worker's birthday.

My night of tele-a-thon telephoning ended around 11pm when I finished a call with friend who needed advice and support about not being able to pay her rent. I was pretty tired, practically comatose in bed wanting to just fall to sleep.

BUT! I have just recently resolved to be more diligent in my daily scripture study and, alas, I hadn't done my 30 minutes yet. I was thinking it over in my mind-- while I really wanted to take the time to have some formal sit-down time with God, I was really super duper tired and I was justifying not getting up because I was still feeling warm fuzzies from helping people via phone and thought that might be enough for the day (excuses, excuses). I was toying with the idea of praying for strength to do the right thing, but, you know, once you ask for help, you have to be willing to do something about it (ie, get up), so I was avoiding the idea.

Then I remembered that my freshly baked cookies were still sitting out. I knew that if I left them out all night, they would not be quite so yummy in the morning. I really wanted to have something nice to give my wonderful co-worker, so I decided to muster my strength and get out of bed. The irony of being more dedicated to pleasing my co-worker than pleasing God was not lost on me.

I got out of bed and walked into the kitchen. Then, I remembered that I had already put the cookies away. As soon as I realized it, I received this prompting from God: "Gotcha!"

I laughed and laughed and then went to my desk and read scripture for 30 minutes.

I just love how God is willing to work with us and help us for our good, even using non-traditional methods. When we are striving to be closer to Him, He will help us in any way we are willing to receive. And I'm thankful for that.

I've been keeping things from you. Big things.

But not on purpose. I hadn't intended on keeping any important life information from you, my faithful blog readers. It's just that I put it on facebook and thought it was pretty much a done deal. Plus, I don't need to tell you how horribly I've been neglecting my blog lately.

Let me start at the beginning, about a month ago. I was in a man tsunami. Men who wanted to date me were literally falling out of the woodwork. I couldn't figure out where they were all coming from, but they were around in abundance. It turns out being a dater is a lot of hard work! But, I was enjoying myself and it is always great to see how many great men there are out there.

One day I went to friend's wedding (met a nice boy there, we went out) and afterwards I got a text from a neat guy I'd been out with a few times telling me that since my other plans had finished I should come join him and his friends at his house. Since this guy was moving across the country the next day and it was my last chance to see him, I decided to go.

After watching a video, all of his friends left but I stuck around to chat for a while. Unexpectedly, he told me that although he was leaving for a new job on the other side of the continent in 14 hours, he was planning to win me over from Washington DC. Well, I was pretty shocked by that. In hindsight, I shouldn't have been, since he had taken me out four times that week-- he was obviously in it to win it. So, even though I wasn't sure how I felt about the idea of being swept off my feet from 2000 miles away, we stayed up late into the night talking and kissing.

He left the next day for his three day cross-country drive. He called me all along the way and I was smitten by the time he arrived at his destination. He is pretty much the best man ever. So passionate, thoughtful, giving, caring, loving. He's also smart, interesting, driven, and a very good kisser. He plans awesome dates. He is dedicated to making me happy. He even buys me things! When problems come up, we talk through them-- he loves communicating. If we argue, he calls afterwards to make sure I'm okay. He loves his neices and nephew. He loves his job and is planning big things for his life. He loves the gospel and wants the Spirit in his life. Five minutes into our first conversation, he had hatched a plan to make me his. He thinks I'm unbelievably beautiful. He knows (and pays attention to) my voice tones and can tell how I feel based on them. For obvious reasons, I decided to snatch him up and agreed to became exclusive 8 days after he left. That was about a month ago.

Last weekend, he bought me a plane ticket to go visit him in his exciting new northern Virginia life.

We sat around looking all starry-eyed at each other, went out to eat, watched football, went to a movie (and got popcorn-- I'd never had popcorn at a movie in my entire life until I started dating Tyler [oh yeah, his name is Tyler] and it turns out having popcorn at a movie is TOTALLY AWESOME), and of course we went and saw the sights Our trip to the Lincoln Memorial elicited a rather vigorous debate on Lincoln's presidency, states' rights and the causes of the Civil War. These debates are not at all unusual in our relationship. (Don't even get us started on TSA screenings or children in BYU apparel.) But, these things keep our relationship interesting.

More info on Tyler: he just finished his coursework for a PhD in Communications and is working on his dissertation. He's 2.5 years older than me. He served his mission in Italy and consequently thinks he's Italian. He cooks yummy Italian food and is very picky with his cheese. He sounds sexy when he speaks Italian. He attended the University of Oklahoma and lived in Oklahoma City for four years-- three of my siblings also live in OKC, but they didn't know each other. Although, I think it's cool that he taught at the college my brother attends. He got his bachelor's degree on a debate scholarship and later coached a debate team that placed 2nd at Nationals. Oh yeah, we met at a ward date night. He wasn't in the ward, but was a fill-in to improve the ratios. He drove down from visiting his brother in Logan to attend the ward date night as a favor for a friend-- see how it pays to do nice things for people? Also, he makes me want to be a better person. AND he sends extraordinarily beautiful flowers "just because."

He is what I like to call "a keeper."

Did I ever tell you about the time I was mistaken as a prostitute?

Subtitle: Happy Halloween!

I got to wear my Halloween costume to work today, which I have never done before and it is fun. This is the third Halloween in a row I've dressed as a Catholic school girl. Why? Because it's the third Halloween in a row that I've lived in a new city, so I don't have to bother coming up with a new idea. Plus, I already have all of the stuff.

My first year in this costume was my last Halloween in Manhattan.

Whenever I put on my costume I remember this story and it makes me smile.

I was walking down Broadway on my way home from a Halloween party when a passing car honked and waved at me. Figuring it must be a friend who had also just left the party (it was late enough that there weren't many cars on the street), I waved back. The car pulled over, so I went to see who it was. He unrolled the passenger window (just like on the movies) and I went to talk to him but quickly discovered it was not someone I knew. His English wasn't very good, so I couldn't exactly tell what he was getting at, but it was obvious he wanted me to get in his car. That wasn't going to happen, so I just walked off. The next day I realized what had happened. I was walking down the street in a school girl outfit the day after Halloween and he thought I was turning tricks. I want to clarify that I was dressed 100% totally modestly. The whole thing is very amusing to me, and I don't mind telling you I count being mistaken as a sex worker among my life achievements.

Now, here's a picture of some of my totally awesome co-workers.

This Post Brought to You By the Home Depot

You've probably been wondering what it will take to get me out of my blogging funk. Honestly, I've been wondering too. And quite frankly, a lot of totally great, exciting, blog-worthy things have been happening the last 6 weeks. So what has touched my heart and mind enough to inspire me to actually put pen to paper, as it were? This is what I will say: In my life, I have stood atop some of the tallest structures built by man. I have toured the underbelly of Hoover Dam. I have seen the mechanical workings of a giant green lazer that shoots into all levels of the atmosphere. But never in my life have I been so overcome by the genius of man's mechanical workings as I was last night when using, and consequently studying, a relatively common household item. I am referring, of course, to the wall anchor: What could I say about this amazing device that has not already been said by men and women far more eloquent than I? To think that millenia of scientific advancement has led humanity to this simple, yet profound invention that just......works. Truly, we stand on the shoulders of giants. I am speechless.

I remember my first ever exposure to wall anchors. The year was 2007. The city was New York, where so many paradigm-shaking discoveries like this are made. Although, like most things, I didn't actually appreciate the wonder of the wall anchor until I used it for myself the first time. Wall anchors were first explained to me by Luke Stay (who, PS, is smart at everything). He used them to attach a mirror to a cinderblock wall in my bedroom. Once I realized the project was a bigger ordeal than I expected I told him to forget it and I'd find a different wall for the mirror, but it was too late-- he was trying to impress a girl (my roommate) so he was determined to successfully complete what he had started. In addition to using the wall anchors, he also explained the concept to me. I'll admit that while I understood the mechanics, I didn't fully comprehend the reasons it was needed.


Now, as a homeowner, I am starting to get it. See the lovely closet I installed all by myself several weeks ago, even using a drill for the first time ever:

Well, I knew I should have used anchors, but I didn't have any, so I didn't. I knew it wouldn't stay on for five years, but I thought it would stay on for a while. But, nope, not so much. It fell off once ten things were put on it.

So, back to the drawing board, by which I mean Home Depot. Having never purchased anchors before, I was surprised by the vast quanitity of options available. But, in my experience, a busty blonde girl normally doesn't want for help at the Home Depot so I figured I would find some nice young man to assist me with my selection. But, such was not the case yesterday, so I used my other assets (by which I mean my wits) to solve the problem. I chose my anchors (the red, plastic kind-- I hope that was right!) and headed back to work.

My hammer was missing, but I managed to get the job done with the drill and a can of tomato sauce. For some inexplicable reason, the top left anchor didn't take, so I had to pull the bottom anchor out (no easy feat!), move the holes over three inches and start again. (Luckily, the design of the closet allowed for wiggle room on the location of the poles) My intense admiration of the wall anchor began when I had to try to remove the anchor from the screw in the bottom hole. It. Was. A-MAZing. The way the plastic and steel just sort of merged towards the bottom of the screw. The way the plastic expanded, fanning out to secure a stable base. The impossibility of getting it out once it had been set. I mean, a razor blade and some elbow grease finally got the job done, but it was no easy task.

Yes, my mind has been blown. Enough so to inspire me to blog again. And now that the floodgates have been opened, hopefully I'll have some more to share with you before too long.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings. I'm just really impressed by the wall anchor.

The Year in Review

Happy September 1st! Exactly one year ago today, I ended my multi-week cross-country roadtrip extravaganza and moved into my place in Sugarhouse to officially began my new life in Utah.

When I first realized I was coming up on a year I was disappointed, thinking that I hadn't done much or had many adventures, but as I thought it over some more, it turns out I've actually been pretty busy. Here's some of what I'm been up to (not in chronological order):

Went to Las Vegas twice.

Drove to Michigan and back twice (not counting the drive out).

Drove to Seattle and had a lovely vacation there, seeing six old friends in three different states.

Vacationed in DC and escorted a friend/protegee for her first visit to the temple.

Vacationed in Rexburg, Idaho four times.

Cried once because I didn't get to go to Rexburg.

Got a job.

Got a promotion.

Fell in love.

Got a broken heart.

Got over it.

Understand everything about life better now.

Was asked on three dates by three different guys in just one week.

Attended my first political rally.

Paid a utility bill for the first time in my life.

Moved THREE times:
once into a shared house in Salt Lake
once into a darling little cottage in Draper
once (just yesterday) into a charming huge, old farmhouse in Draper which I own.


That's right. I bought a house. It's a long story that I will tell you later.

All in all, I'd say it's been a pretty awesome year.

Jonah-- the misunderstood prophet

Poor Jonah. No one ever looks at his story in historical context, especially taking into account chapter 4. I was lucky enough to be in a class where we did both and it made me totally understand the poor guy better. I was very excited to share my insight with my Sunday School class yesteday when we were studying his story, but they just didn't get it. Blank stares. Continued blame for being faithless. I was sad. I decided to plead Jonah's case to you, my blogging audience. Thank you for listening.

First, let's point out that Ninevah was in Assyria. We Bible-studiers are familiar with Assyria-- in addition to being total bad a's (that anyone would be afraid to go preach repentance to), they were also enemies and continual threat to the Israelites.

Sec0nd, let's point out the geographic situation:

As you can see from this map that I just found on the internet, Assyria is not at all far from Israel. Yep, it pretty much right up there by the northern 10 tribes.

Third, let's point out that Jonah must have been a pretty awesome, with-it, righteous, inspired man. A) he was a prophet after all, B) the people on the ship recognized him as a man of God, C) once he decided to do what God wanted, he did manage to convert an entire city of unbelievably wicked people. These things are not accomplished by faint-hearted, faith-lacking, pansy, lily-livered girly-men like we normally paint him to be.

Fourth, let's examine chapter four. This is after everyone in Ninevah repents. Jonah's mission has been totally successful-- not only had he not gotten killed, he managed to save all these souls. But he goes up on a mountain looking over the city and talks to God. He says that before he even left home he knew that the people would repent, which was exactly why he tried to run away. Then, he says that he wishes he were dead and asks the Lord to kill him.

What? With the way this has been taught to us since Primary, chapter four just makes no sense.

Now, consider this: Jonah understood the idea that the Lord blesses the righteous. Repentance shifts the balance of power. If one nation is more righteous than another, God favors that nation more. He understood that a big part of the reason Assyrian had not yet conquered Israel is because Israel was more righteous. So, if he knew before he even left that the people of Ninevah would repent and become more righteous than the Israelites, and thereby gain God's favor and upset the balance of power, enabling them to defeat Israel in war. In other words, his mission would bring about the downfall of his own nation. That is WAY scarier than the idea of being killed for Christ's sake. And that is something that even a strong, faithful man like Jonah might try to avoid.

And that is exactly how it turned out-- Jonah's mission to Ninevah was sometimes between 793 and 753 BC and the Assyrians conquered the 10 Tribes in 722 BC.


In sharing this information, I'm not trying to say that Jonah was a perfect person or that it was right for him to run away from what God wanted him to do. Of course, Jonah needed to do what he was called to do, even if it was hard and would cause the eventual downfall of his own people. I just think we need to give him credit for the fact that what he was asked to do was way harder than just risking his life to preach the gospel.


To summarize: of course Jonah should have done what God wanted and not try to run away. But, let's give him credit for the fact that he wasn't just afraid of being killed, he didn't want the destruction of his entire country on his head. Which seems reasonable. Not a good excuse for disobeying God, but you can kind of see where he's coming from.

Spending Fast (the noun, not the adverb)

About six weeks ago, I decided to go on a spending fast. The rules are simple: spend NO money, except for gas for the car, which should be used only for driving to work and church. Rent, utility bills, and tithing are also okay. Well, the limitations on driving didn't last, but other than that, it's been going well.

I feel like a pioneer woman! Living off the land, as it were. Picking cucumbers out of my garden for my daily vegetable. Giving creative homemade gifts. Finding clever ways to avoid the social situation of going out to eat. Abstaining from an occasional Red Box movie rental or dollar burger.

Of course, as soon as I made this goal, things started going wrong. My blow dryer broke. I ran out of apricot scrub for my face. I ran out of shampoo. My muffler started making funny noises (okay, I had been ignoring that for a while). My online dating account expired (which reduced my frequency of eating at restaurants for free). My sunglasses broke (and my eyes really don not like being exposed to the sun).

It has been fun to find solutions to problems! I realized I don't really need to blow dry my hair and that saves me like 10 minutes every morning. I started washing my hair with body wash and it looked okay (I just used extra conditioner-- I still have plenty of that). I didn't want to eat cold cereal after I ran out of milk, so I started eating cracked wheat for breakfast every morning and it turns out I really like it! Also, it's very filling and I found I ate less all day. I also liked having to be accountable for really planning my meals (especially a lunch for work) because just going and buying something cheap (what I normally do) was not an option. I will admit that after a month, I decided that I really needed my apricot scrub, so I decided to spend the $3 and buy some-- but I used some cash that I just had laying around, so I like to think it didn't count. Also, after one week I had to buy some milk but that was the best way I could think of avoiding going out to eat with a friend (it's a long story).

And people have been so supportive of me. I have been very conscious of not wanting to accept charity because a) I'm not actually destitute-- I still have plenty of money (it would be different if I actually needed help) b) I don't want anyone else to be inconvenienced by a decision that I made (as opposed to if life circumstances forced me to not spend money). But I have been very happy to accept things people don't need. My jogging companion gave me an old pair of sunglasses she had in storage in the garage and I was very grateful for that. A lady at work, upon hearing of my goal, started bring me fresh goat's milk because her goat produces more than her familly can drink. It is so so so so so yummy and I feel very blessed. My sister Heather (after several weeks of her insisting) gave me some very nice shampoo (this was a charity case, but I realized it was important to her, so I gave in).

One thing that has been surprising to me is how I have pretty much continued to eat normally. I have been able to pretty much cook whatever I want. So I've been pretty proud of my food storage. And I still have plenty left. I'm sort of interested to see how long I can keep this up, but I don't want to totally deplete my food storage, so I'll probably only keep going a few more weeks.

All in all, this has been a very fun adventure. I might make a habit of doing it periodically throughout my life.

The Power of Intentions

Yesterday I got to spend the evening with an old friend. On the way home I stopped to get gas. While I was cleaning my windshield I heard a whistle. Not that unusual. So I looked up and saw a young man smiling at me. I smiled back.

"What a beautiful lady!"

I smiled at him again.

"Are you wearing a wedding ring?"

He looked like an okay sort of of guy.

"Nope."

"Do you date 25 year-olds in the church?"

He was walking towards me now so I could see that he had cute blonde curly hair, kind eyes, and had obviously just come from some sort of manly project building something.

"Both of those categories are acceptable to me."

"Maybe we could go out sometime?"

"Well, you could call me sometime."

"Great! Can I give you my number?"

"No. But I'll give you mine-- if you promise not to stalk me if I don't like you."

"No way. I'm a gentleman."

At this point, I would like to clarify that he wasn't buying gas or anything. He saw me as he drove by and specifically stopped and got out of his car with the hope that I would talk to him. We chatted for several minutes and then I left.

He texted me before I even got home.

That in and of itself is not necessarily important enough to warrant a blog post, but this is what makes it cool: I had spent the evening discussing with my friend various things including 1. why it's better to date 25 year-olds 2. why I want to be dating a contractor/construction worker of some sort (which he is) 3. how I am totally in my groove and since the break-up men have been coming out of the woodwork and that I was confident they would continue to do so. Just another example of how there is power in knowing what you want.

I Feel Like That Girl on That TV Show

Subtitle: The First Day of the Rest of My Life
Optional subtitle: The Last of the Overly Personal Posts (Seriously, you will know all my business, why am I am publishing this? It's journal material. Is this an unhealthy form of wanting my life to be exposed, not unlike reality TV show participants?)

When I broke up with Michael, I knew for sure that it was the right thing to do. But I hoped he would learn his lesson and maybe we would get back together. In the last six weeks, I have seen God move in my life and I have learned that I was the one who needed to learn some things. I love how God teaches us line upon line what we're able to receive in order to get us to where we need to be.

The first thing God taught me: "You really put your life on hold while you were with Michael and that wasn't right." I realized He was right (no surprise there). I had made the conscious decision not to make any new friends until I was married. (That was really dumb! What was I thinking?) I was not focusing on improving my career. I hadn't even entirely settled into my house-- I hadn't bought a bed ("we'll use Michael's after we're married), I hadn't hung any of my pictures ("when Michael moves in all that wall space will become bookshelves"). So, I bought a bed and arranged my house just the way I wanted it. I started going to ward and other activities and making friends. I decided on some career goals. I was starting to feel more like myself, and the God taught me my next lesson:

"You really made Michael the center of your life. That wasn't right. He hadn't asked you to do that or expected you too and it threw off your sense of self." Ouch. That one hurt. I had accidentally done that. And I immediately thought of the famous quote my boss and I had been discussing just two days before from "Atlas Shrugged" (the book, ironically, that originally brought Michael and I together): "I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another or ask another to live for me." (A seeming contradiction to the basic tenants of Christianity? I strongly disagree, but that is topic for another day.) So, I started putting myself at the center of my life. I thought about things that brought me joy and started putting more of them in my life. I spent more time thinking about what my motivations were and living with more intention. And I started feeling even more like myself.

Then God told me I needed to stop wondering if Michael and I were going to get back together, and start thinking about what I wanted my next relationship to be like. Since I am a huge believer in the power of intentions, I was surprised to realize that I hadn't already been doing that. And thinking about what I want is one of my favorite things, so that was a fun activity. And as I remembered promises God has made me in the past and things that are important to me, I got a better understanding of what my ideal relationship looks like and that made me excited and happy and made it possible for me to follow my next direction from God:

"It's okay. Let him go."

I had been working on doing that for three weeks at that point, but when I was actually looking over the ledge with the intention of jumping, it was scary. But I knew it would be okay and so I did it. I just let go, emotionally. It was liberating, but a very interesting thing happened immediately thereafter: once I didn't feel a need to be loved and accepted and admired by him I began to realize how good and strong our relationship had been, how much he had loved me, and how my insecurities had largely been produced by myself. That was surprising to me.

Shortly thereafter my sister hosted an intervention which pretty much consisted of this: "You were cuckoo when you were dating Michael. Completely unlike yourself. Clingy and desperate. A totally different person." (Apparently she had been telling me this for months, but I hadn't ever registered it before.) As we talked about it more, I realized that she was right. As we discussed it more, I realized that being "crazy" in the relationship was a decision that I had subconsciously made and therefore, I could decide to be calm regarding this and any future relationship.

And THAT was the big lesson that God needed me to learn. It was a soul-shaking, paradigm-shifting event. And after that I was just CALM. I have always considered myself a very peaceful person, but I've learned that (for me at least) peace and calm are two very different things. Peace is feeling that all is right with the world, that God is in His heaven and things will work out and everything is okay. I've got lots of that. "Calm," I think, is more of "be still and know that I am God." Just kind of emotional stillness. It turns out, I have been missing that almost entirely. Probably for most of my life. But then, I made a decision to be calm and it was pretty neat. Very different. But good.

After about a week of calmness, I started wanting to tell Michael about "the new me." I was sure that now that I was calm, collected, and happily living my own fabulous life, our relationship would be totally better and we should get back together, at least to give it a go and see how it worked.

You can imagine my surprise when Michael said he didn't want to get back together. What?! On one hand, I was proud of his decisiveness, but then I wondered if he'd forgotten how totally wonderful I am, how much he loves and adores me, and what a great fit we are. We had a nice, open and honest discussion (one of the many good aspects of our relationship). It pretty much ended like this:
Michael: Why would you want to get back together? You were miserable the whole time we were together.
Me: I wasn't that miserable and I was creating the misery myself, not getting it from you. But I'm over that now. Our relationship will be different now. (me thinking: this has been the whole point of this conversation-- why aren't you listening to me? You've always been so good at listening to me.)

Then I stopped and thought for a microsecond and looked at him. And I realized: he had totally gotten over me. Well, this was an unexpected development that I had certainly not seen coming. But as soon as I realized it, I knew it was over, and I felt immediately that that was right and everything was okay. It was pretty much the exactly the same way I felt that morning in New York City when I realized my car was missing-- and we all remember how unexpectedly perfect that turned out. (if you do go to the link, be sure to read the part starting "driving home, I had this realization" because that's the main idea).

So we talked a little while longer and agreed that we had had a good run and felt very grateful to have known and loved each other (at least I did). I felt peaceful and thought it was a congenial, happy conversation. In reflecting on the exchange, I realize that it was probably super rude to say (even jokingly and with love) that I thought his wife would probably be ugly. Oops! It's my first major breakup, I'm still figuring these things out.

So that is absolutely, positely the end of that. I am ready to move on with my life. I am pleased to announce that I don't even want to be with Michael anymore. And when I think of not being with him, I feel fine. This is the right thing. It's a good thing Michael was sensible enough to get over me fast because if I had my way and we'd gotten back together, we would have both wasted more time and ended up sadder at the end. Which is why I knew I could trust him to make the right decision. Because he is a great guy. A guy who makes sure his woman has what she needs. And who could tell if I was worried (even without exchanging words or seeing my face) and did his best to make me feel better. So I wish him all the best and I hope his wife is very lovely.

And I have learned so very important things about how to be in a relationship. Now I will (hopefully) not make those same mistakes when I do meet the love of my life. I'm confident I'll find lots of other mistakes to make, but I'm glad I had the chance to date and love Michael and learn and grow and figure stuff out before the real thing. A sort of nifty "dress rehearsal."

I remember that when Michael and I were first dating and totally twitterpatted, but I wasn't sure he was "the one," I would tell my friends that I didn't know if this was "it" but if it was just a precursor to finding the love of my life, when he did come it would be unbelievably incredible because the warm-up was amazing. And I still think that it true. Yes, good things are lining up for Holly Bluemlein.

This is not what I expected to happen, but I just have to say what is in my soul: All is well. All is well.

Last Year's news

Exactly one year ago today, I packed my car up and lefting my beloved Manhattan home, starting my epic cross-country road trip. As it turns out, road tripping with no schedule and plenty of money is a great vacation option.

In celebration of this anniversary, I've decided to report on "The Rip-roaring Trip Out," which is something I always meant to do, but never did.

Stop #1: Montauk

Montauk is a vacation town on the very further tip of Long Island. Some friends of ours had rented a house out there for the entire month of August so I decided to make that my first destination. Marcus came along. In fact, he came in the morning, serviced my car himself, loaded all my worldly possessions in my car himself, and then attached the bike rack and bikes himself. I miss that kid.

(and can I even SAY how happy I was to finally be one of those "cool kid" cars driving down the highway with a bike rack? You might also remember me mentioning something about it here.)

I prepared by putting on my dress that I always wore to the Hamptons and spent a few minutes being thankful that I had a life stage where I needed a dress that I "always wore to the Hamptons" and did my hair and make-up extra pretty. (Note: Montauk is not part of the Hamptons, but we did drive through the Hamptons and we thought we might stop to take some photos, so I wanted to be ready. We ended up stopping there, but only for some fruity drinks at Starbucks.)

I then, just like that, I drove off, leaving my wonderful, magical Manhattan. I tear up a little bit even now thinking about it. And actually I didn't drive, Marcus did because I hate driving in the city and he knows the bridges out of town way better than I did. Plus, that was I could look at everything. It was sad saying good-bye, but as soon as I couldn't see Manhattan anymore, I started getting excited about my new adventure again.

Montauk was beautiful! The house (which was also beautiful) was within walking distance to a private beach. This was my bedroom:
I love how the windows make it so you're practically sleeping in the backyard. Only with air-conditioning and a comfy mattress.

This was the backyard:
You can tell I was fresh out of the city because I was amazed by all the tree right there without a particular purpose or landscraping plan. It's not photo-worthy to me now a year later.

While we were there, we enjoyed trips to the beach, leisurely bike rides and sitting in the hot tub. I remember particularly a bit of culture shock when I went to the grocery store and all the workers spoke English (however, none of them knew what hummus was).

After two days, it was time to take off. Instead of paying $50 for a ferry to Conneticut, I decided to drive myself, which required driving the full length of Long Island again (3 hours. Seriously, it's long) and then across Manhattan and over the George Washington bridge to New Jersey. I love the George Washington bridge because I could see it from my bed for two years and looked at it during my thinking time. To me, it represents a lot of what I felt and learned and realized and experienced my last two years in New York. So, I was happy to "really leave" New York over it. Driving myself out this time broke my heart, especially since I left the island through my own 'hood. I think I could even see my building from the highway. I tried to touch the skyline through my window and just kept driving, tearing up a bit.



Stop #2 Kirtland, Ohio

My parents didn't want me driving all night and arriving home in Michigan at 3am, so they strongly recommended that I stay at a hotel (I would use the word "absolutely insisted" except I'm an independent adult and no one can insist I do anything). I stayed in Pennyslvania, which ended up being good because 1) I had forgotten what bad night vision I have while driving, 2) I didn't miss any of the totally gorgeous PA scenary, and 3) it enabled me to take an unscheduled stop in Kirtland, Ohio which is a historical sight for the LDS church (which as you know is the church I'm lucky enough to be a part of). It was a brief, but enjoyable visit, even though I didn't take any pictures.



Stop #3 Michigan

I already blogged about that.


Stop #4 St. Louis

This was a highlight. I grew up near St. Louis (3hrs away) and we went there sometimes and I always thought it was super lame. Turns out, St. Louis is TOTALLY AWESOME! My best friend from high school, Jamie, had been living there a few years and had been asking me to come visit, so I figured this was the perfect opportunity. I never thought that I would leave LOVING St. Louis. I ended up staying four or five days and I would have stayed longer, but I was afraid Jamie and her boyfriend (now fiance!) would keep buying me things.

There is so so so so so much to love about St. Louis!

The zoo!! Hello! You can pet sting rays (for a dollar, but that's okay because admission is free) and I learned that hippos are my very favorite animal. So graceful under water! No wonder Walt Disney made them ballerinas in that movie. Plus, from Jamie's super awesome apartment, I could ride my bike there! Best zoo ever.


The Art Museum (also free) where they had a surprisingly good collection and I discovered my new favorite painting of all time. I could just look at it for hours.

The Food-- best ice cream sundae I've ever had (seriously) and it turns out St. Louis has their own style of pizza and I LOVE it! (thin crust with a tangy cheese and sauce! yum! I need to go back and get some right now!)

The Botanical Garden is hands-down the best one I've ever been too, including all the ones in New York too. (I mean those are also very very nice, but different and I liked that one better.)
Check out this lily pad-- it looks fake, but it's not.
Their koi pond (although it was more river-like) was also awesome. They sold a handful of food for a quarter and it was the best $2 I've ever spent. Look at the photo-- you can't even tell which are the fish and which are the ducks. The ducks would literally walk on the backs of the fish. Awesome.

The museum was only okay, but did provide me with one of my very favorite quotes: It's profound really. And since discovering the quote, I've realized that it's true again and again and again.

The St. Louis temple is great. It's the first temple I went to and this was my first time back. And I'd forgotten about how non-Manhattan temples have such beautiful landscaping. As soon as you drive in the gates it's like a fairy land.

Oh man, I love St. Louis. This was a very unexpected turn of events. Also, my sheer dumb luck (good thing I extended my time in Michigan!) Jamie had some med school friends staying with her who live in Salt Lake now. The wife is from Indiana and now we watch the Colts games together. Small world.

Stop #5 Oklahoma City

My two brothers and my little sister all live together in Oklahoma City, so of course I would not miss this chance to visit them. Also, at this point in my vacation I got a little head cold and it was a good place to convalesce.

Turns out Oklahoma City is pretty neat too. But the vast majority of my time was spent at the house, resting, watching downloaded TV shows, eating mass amounts of yummy food, and, oddly enough, playing zombie-based board games.

Also, I got to go to Cici's pizza which was my very favorite place to eat on my mission, but I'd not gotten to eat there since then. Those of you who have experienced it know what I'm talking about.

The best part was getting to see my siblings in their "natural setting" and spend time with them.

Stop #6 Akron, Colorado

This bustling metropolis of well over 1,500 residence was a not-to-be-missed stop on my adventure because it's the home of my favorite auntie Kathleen.



We had a lovely dinner together, went on a walk, watched a movie, and I had a nice tour of the town. We went to a park I remember visiting as a little girl where they had this mini-merry-go-round that I have always remembered as the greatest thing in the world. It was still there, but could have used a good oiling. We did a little shopping and auntie bought me a book which was very nice. I was sad I couldn't stay longer, but by this point I was getting anxious to get somewhere settled in. Plus, I'd already delayed my Utah reservations about 3 times. So after a day and a half, I was off.

Stop #7 Provo and Tooele Utah

I stayed with my sister in Provo and we went to visit my sister in Tooele. It was the first time I'd seen my neice Ashley. My brother John (who was at three of my 7 cross-country stops) was in town for a job interview. I stayed with them a few days, but by that point I was ready to SETTLE DOWN SOMEWHERE ALREADY!!

So on September 1, I drove up to Sugarhouse (a neighborhood in Salt Lake City) and moved into my new place to start my new life. But that's a different story.

My Dave Barry calendar entry for the day

It was too long to put on facebook, so I'm posting it here.

"New York City, as you know if you have ever met a New Yorker, is the greatest place in the world for everything: buildings, restaurants, stores, pizza, water, nightclubs that nobody can get into, hand gestures, rats, everything. New Yorkers are very proud of being from such a great city. If a New Yorker is forced to go to another place, he never misses an opportunity to tell anyone within the sound his voice (a fourteen-mile radius) specifically how the new place is inferior to New York. If a New Yorkers visits China, he will declare that the Chinese food in New York is much better. This is why New Yorkers are so popular wherever they go."--Dave Barry

I mean, I love my new home, but I still find that this is true.

A Music Video

Thank you, thank you, thank you Pandora for introducing this song into my life a mere 15 minutes ago.

Title: 2 Atoms In A Molecule


I don't know how a person could stay sad about the end of a relationship with such a peppy, clever break-up song around. It's especially amusing if you read the lyrics.

PS my computer doesn't have Flash, so I'm not sure if the video downloaded, but I hope so. I'd hate for any interested party to miss this!

Several Small Updates

Well, that last post has been up there for a while and, let's face it, was a bit of a downer, so it's high time I updated with the things I've been up to. Consider this three weeks worth up blogs.

Mini-post 1:
Draper Pretends to be New York


Those of you familiar with life in NYC know that one of the big summer events is free concert in Central Park by the New York Symphony. Well, it turns out they have similar events out here in the boonies! To celebrate the brand new ampitheater in Draper (it's very pretty-- built right in to the side of the mountain), the Utah Symphony came and gave a free concert. It was very different from the concerts in Manhattan, but still very nice. I didn't have to bring everything I'd need for the event with me to work. I drove my car and parked nearby, not dealing with the subway. And I could actually see the stage. I'm quite sure that the last Symphony concert I attended in Central Park had more people there than live in Draper. (I'm not over-exaggerating-- I believe the announcer said there were more than 200,000 people in attendance.) One more reason to love Draper.

Mini-post 2:
Pizza Obsession

I went through this stage last week where I was obsessed with eating pizza all the time. This is out of character for me because normally I'm too cheap to buy myself pizza very often. But due to various circumstances, at one point I had three partially eaten pizzas in my fridge.

Yep, I was living large.

Mini-post 3

More Proof for Metaphysics

I am a big believer that most physical problems are manifestations of unresoluted mental or emotional issues, as illustrated by the following actual conversation I once had with a friend:

Me: I've been feeling sick all day.

Friend: Oh no! What's wrong?

Me: I don't know! My book is missing.

The book I'm referring to here is a handy reference guide where you can look up medical maladies and it will tell you the unlying cause and the mantra you can use to get over it. This book has been missing for almost three months and I've mourned it's loss. Especially because I've been getting fat in my arms which has never happened to me before ever in my life and I want to know why.

I'm happy to announce that I found my book. The first thing I did was look up fat arms and I was not at all surprise to see the cause: anger at being denied love. Another win for the book.

Mini-post 4

I Love My Cottage

At some point in the past, a stinking genius must have lived in my house. My mind is continually blown by how perfected designed the annuals are. There is ALWAYS something in bloom! It is a-MAZING. As soon as one thing dies, a different thing is blooming. It is just a wonder that someone could be so smart as to figure something like that out. The roses all died just recently and now this flower is blooming. I don't know what it is, but it's pretty!

Since the break-up, I've been much more social with NMPs (non-Michael people, I just made that up) and consequently have been having lots of people over to my house who have never been there before. I normally give my address and a brief description because the street number is not actually posted on the house. But I have discovered a re-occuring theme: first time visitors normally say they recognized the place as mine because of the Mike Lee posters.
Mini-post 5

Garden Update

I am extraordinarily pleased to announce that I have started harvesting from my garden. So far, I've been blessed with (surprise, surprise) zucchini. It works out well because I love zucchini. I've been eating zucchini patties like it's my job. Yum! I spent a lot of time in my garden on Saturday, mostly because it was Pioneer Day and nothing else in town was opened (is it just me, or does it seem like the pioneers would be horrified that we close the temple in their honor? ). I love my garden.

Then Sunday morning I was making some hummus for a party that night and (you will not even believe how awesome my life is) I just went out to my garden and picked some of my own cilantro to put in. It made me so happy! I am also very pleased to report that even the basil is doing well (and my regular readers will know this is, indeed, a miracle).

Well, I had two other stories to share, but this post has gone on long enough, so I'm going to end now. I just wanted to reassure everyone that I'm doing well. Life goes on. And I am basically happy.

Another overly personal post

A few days ago, I took the last post down because I felt it put too much blame for the break-up on Michael. Then I put it back up, but with plans to put a new post with my new understanding of what went wrong and an update of how I'm feeling. However, up until two days ago I was not able to think or feel anything consistently enough to document on a blog post.


I will say this: last week at church I shared my testimony using the words from my favorite hymn: "The Lord is my light, though clouds may arise faith stronger than sight looks up to the skies where Jesus for ever in glory doth reign, then how can I ever in darkness remain?" That's how I feel. I am sad, but I don't feel like I'm in any darkness. I know God is guiding me and that I'm in a good place, even though it's a sad place, and that eventually everything will work out for my best. I know that. And I'm very thankful to know that because I have been SAD.


It took me a while to hone in on sad because it just doesn't come naturally to me these days. I would get sad for a little bit, but not be able to stick with it because I've felt so blessed and lucky in so many other ways. I'm surrounded by so many people who love me and want to help me. I live in such a beautiful place. Everything else in my life is going so well. Michael didn't mean to hurt me and never lied to me or abused me in any way. I knew that God was guiding me and I was in the right place. And I knew everything would work out perfectly in the end. So, even though people would tell me I should go ahead and mourn, and even though I knew that it was fine to be sad, I just couldn't quite be sad for long periods of time.


Well, that was then and this is now. All of the above are still true. I still feel very blessed. I still know God is in charge and has a big plan that will ultimately be for my good. But I am sad and, dare I say it, my heart is broken. Now I understand what people are talking about. Breaking up is awful, even if it's all for the best. I'm learning to be more sympathetic to people whose heart hurts. And I'm learning that being sad is not the same thing as not having faith. I've learned that when I cry hard enough my cheeks start to tingle. Also, I've learned that when dealing with a break-up, buying sexy lingerie makes me feel better.


I've also learned to be humble and accept love and help. I've seen more clearly how really wonderful and kind humans can be. I'm thankful for so many people. My sweet aunt and uncle who went through everyone's family reunion registration folder and scratched out Michael's name. My cousin who texts me every day to see how I'm doing. The girl (I don't even know her name) who saw me crying right after Relief Society and went to the bathroom and brought me some toilet paper. I'm thankful for the nice emails I've gotten from Michael's friends and family. I have a friend who mailed me a special gift to show her "cherishes me" and I wear it every day to remember that I am very loved. A different friend has volunteered an hour massage. My sisters and mother have been so wonderful. I appreciate my co-worker who is going to help me bring my new mattress home. People are really, really beautiful, and it is wonderful to be on the receiving end of so much love.


So, that's where I am now: sad, but optimistic. Wondering if Michael will come back, but emotionally letting him go. Broken-hearted, but relying on the Lord and trusting Him. I am thankful that I have felt Him so close to me throughout.


And lest you think I spend all my time sitting around moping, let me add here that I am redecorating my house (more on that later) and I've started dating online again. I've been emailing some really great guys and am feeling happy about that. I know that normally after a break-up, women tend to change their hair in some way, but I really like my hair, so I'm trying to think of other things I can change.


I often wonder how people deal with heartache when they DON'T know that God is watching them and has a plan. Or when the Spirit isn't confirming to them that they're in the right place. Or who aren't surrounded by people who love and support them. Or if they have really been abused or abandoned by someone they love. That would be really horrible. I wonder how they deal with it? As my wise mother told me yesterday, "May you never find out."

So, that's where I am now. Sad, but doing fine. I definitely feel like I understand the human experience better now. I'm excited to see what God has in store for me. I know that (eventually) everything is going to work out just great. I'm glad I know God is mindful of me and helping me create a really wonderful life. I'm glad to be in a covenant relationship with Him.

A Big Announcement

But probably not the announcement you're expecting.

Several months ago, Michael had a goofy dream that he told me about the next day. In the dream, he came over to my house and I had a live duck I was trying to kill. He tried killing it, but couldn't. I asked him what he thought the dream meant and he didn't know. But to me, a quasi-trained Freudian analysist, the meaning was obvious: the duck represented Michael's fear of commitment. I couldn't kill it, he had to kill it himself and he was trying to, but was having a hard time. Since that time, we have joked with each other about his need to kill a duck.

Those who have been following our relationship closely know about Michael's fear of commitment. Of the almost eight months we've been together, we've spent a total of about a month taking "time off" and not communicating so he'd have time to "think about what he wanted." These "times off" frequently resulted in me deciding to break up with him, but every time he would realize he didn't want to lose me, convince me to stick around and he would treat me totally awesome until I became secure in the relationship again and then he'd decide to back out again. We've been through at least three cycle of that.


Our most recent "week off" happened after we had set a wedding date that we were tentatively working towards and we were both happily counting down together. Michael had ordered my engagement ring and I was doing a little wedding planning while waiting for him to pop the question. His request for a week off was fairly (but not entirely) unexpected, but after a prayer and with a lot of help from my Heavenly Father, it became a great blessing to me because I learned to really cherish myself and came to really understand for the first time about each person's divine nature and individual worth (you might remember this post and this post where I reported without telling what was actually going on). You might remember that Michael showed up at my house after the week off with two bouquets of flowers, but I didn't tell you the best, most sweetest part-- after giving me the flowers he said he had something else for me. He went into my kitchen, got out my chopping board and my biggest knife, then he produced a rubber duckie and cut its head off declaring, "The duck is dead!" and that he was ready to commit.

Since then things have been great. I have felt loved and secure and it has been really nice. We went to a play last Monday night and I felt like we were the most in love couple there. It was really nice.

But, sadly, it has come to my attention that the duck is NOT dead, that Michael still doesn't know what he wants, and is very hesitant to give up his bachelor freedoms. I know that he loves me because he tells me all the time and his actions show that he does. And I know that it's not his intention to jerk me around, yet that's what's happening.

And so I decided, as a woman who cherishes myself and who has recently been promised by God that I will have everything I want in a relationship, that I don't want to be with Michael anymore. I want to be with a man who KNOWS that he wants to be with me and who can't imagine being without me, not just a guy who realizes categorically that I'm quite a catch and so is trying to convince himself that he should marry me even though he doesn't really want to. I know he loves me and that he wants to be with me to an extent, but not enough. I'm tired of the trauma. I'm tired of crying because it hurts that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, but then feeling bad for crying because he treats me nice and says nice things to me and he's TRYING to want to marry me. I'm tired of feeling like as soon as I get comfortable and secure (again) he'll decide (again) that he's not sure. I'm tired of doing lots of little things to make Michael happy (because I love doing them), but then not being sure if he feels the same way about me. I'm tired of the underlying feeling that I've never been quite able to shake that I'm sort of an inconvenience to him. I deserve better.

And so, it's sad for both of us, but I'm calling it quits. I broke up with Michael about 15 minutes ago. Ironically, on the very day that six weeks ago we had been planning to get married.

My sister pointed out that there's a guy out there who is dying to marry me and will want desperately to marry me as soon as he knows me. I know that that is true and I'm excited to for that person to find me.

I don't regret anything about Michael. I don't regret giving him my heart and loving him. It has been really wonderful being loved by him. It has been all-in-all a great experience and one I plan to look back on with gratitude and happiness. But, it's time to move on. It's sad, but I know things will work out for the best and I will be very happy with how it all ends up. I hope very much that the same happens for Michael because he deserves it too.

I love this song and I think it sums up how I feel just about perfectly. Just change the words in the last verse from "David" to "Michael." The whole song is really good and has been a theme song of mine for a few years, but you can just listen to the last verse and get the basic idea of the current situation.



PS I wrote this post on Monday when I decided to end the relationship (Michael was out of town until this afternoon which is why it just now happened). And this post is a reflection of how I saw things then. But now that he and I have talked it out and ended things rather nicely, I feel very calm and assured that this is the right thing (although I reserve the right to weep and wail and cry later, should I feel inclined to do so). Right now, I really feel that more than Michael's fear of commitment, the relationship ended because it wasn't quite right. And that is a very peaceful feeling to me, at least right in this moment.